My life as I knew it recently fell apart.
My life with the man I truly believed I would marry, have children and grow old with, ended, and it hurt. It hurt so much I almost didn't believe it was real. It hurt so much there were days that I wished I could just sleep through because I didn't want to feel the pain.
But it was partly my decision.
I've written, erased and re-written this post countless times. I'm unsure of how much or how little to say and I'm not even sure it's worth putting online. But this blog has been my solace for 7 years now and writing my thoughts and feelings down always helps to ease the ache (if only for a while).
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It's been just over a month since my relationship ended and a week since I emailed my vendors to cancel my wedding. The wedding we had been planning and saving for for over a year and a half.
Our wedding invites arrived printed the day I decided enough was enough and the day he decided that what we had wasn't worth fighting for.
So after weeks of analysing the past, crying at the slightest reminder/memory and worrying about the future, I realise now, looking back (oh, the beauty of hindsight) that I had been having doubts for well over a year. Something didn't feel right, and for a long time I couldn't shake the sense of (what I like to call) 'doom', that haunted me.
Our wedding invites arrived printed the day I decided enough was enough and the day he decided that what we had wasn't worth fighting for.
So after weeks of analysing the past, crying at the slightest reminder/memory and worrying about the future, I realise now, looking back (oh, the beauty of hindsight) that I had been having doubts for well over a year. Something didn't feel right, and for a long time I couldn't shake the sense of (what I like to call) 'doom', that haunted me.
I am heartbroken and to admit my relationship ended.
I could feel embarrassed - but truthfully, I am not.
I am not embarrassed to have left a situation that was dragging me down. Nor am I embarrassed to have stood up for my thoughts and feelings and to have listened to my heart and my gut instinct.
Instead I feel brave. I feel like I have gone through the most challenging time of my life to date and, I'm still here. My heart is still beating, I can still smile, I can still laugh, I can still feel beautiful and I can live through this.
It's true what they say, every day get's easier. That's not to say I don't still get down days. Every time I think I'm getting over it, a thought or a memory will pop into my head, or a song will come on and that's it, I'm low again, but I'm holding on for the thought of the future. The thought of finding my one dear true love and to the happiness I have to come.
So this is the start of a new chapter of my life.
A best friend of mine (one of my would-be bridesmaids in fact) said something last night which (although devastating to think about) has really helped me evaluate things in my head.
She said
A best friend of mine (one of my would-be bridesmaids in fact) said something last night which (although devastating to think about) has really helped me evaluate things in my head.
She said
"From day 1, when you met him, your relationship was only ever meant to exist until now. It was only ever meant to be a small chapter in your life, before the real long chapters begin. There was nothing you could have done, nor did you make a mistake embarking on it in the first place - but it was a small, fun chapter with many memories, and that's all it was ever meant to be".
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, but when something like this happens it's hard to stick by that. But I want this post to comfort people going through the same thing. As I said in this video, I don't want a pity party.
I want girls to feel empowered, strong and in charge of their own lives, relationships and happiness. If something isn't making you happy, leave it. Nothing can fix a broken situation, not a wedding and not a child. You have one chance at this life, embrace it and regret nothing and no matter how difficult and hard things may seem, they have a way of working themselves out and making it better.
I am strong and I am brave and I am a woman who deserves the best.
Katie x
Photographs by the absolutely incredible Alexandra Cameron. Contact her here to work with her.